New dress code

Yep, there's a new dress code at where I work. Clients are gonna be coming by the office more, so we need to dress nicer. Here is the the e-mail we were sent:

UPDATED EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK


DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing $350 PRADA sneakers, and carrying a $600 GUCCI
Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore
You do not need a raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and
Therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If
You are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.


PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday & Sunday.


BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for
Dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have
Non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee
Involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late
Afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour
And subsequently leave one hour early.


RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a
Strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes,
An alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door
Will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your
Picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "chronic
Offenders" category.


LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so
That they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to
Get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5
Minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a slim
Fast.


Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
Positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
Concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
Allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input
Should be directed elsewhere.


HAVE A NICE WEEK!

(Note to the humor impaired: this is a joke!)