A UNIX command I'd like to see!

[giza]

CHONTAMENTI(1)            User Commands            CHONTAMENTI(1)

NAME
     chontamenti - compress spammers

SYNOPSIS

     chontamenti [ -acfhLqv19 ] [ spammer ... ]

DESCRIPTION
     Chontamenti compresses spammers or parts of  spammers  using
     Size-Eighteen  Boot  compaction  coding  (S16-18).  Whenever
     possible,  each spammer is replaced by one without the .nads
     extension,  while changing the ownership of  the  compressed
     body parts to group "erols".  Chontamenti will only  attempt
     to  compress spammers and other net-abusers.  In particular,
     he will ignore joe-jobs and lame forgeries.
     
     The amount of compression obtained  depends on  the original
     size of the spammer's genitalia, head, and colon. Typically,
     an average chickenboner can be compressed by 20-30%,  with a
     corresponding reduction in obnoxiousness of up to 99%.
     
     Compression  is always  performed,  even  if the  compressed
     spammer is slightly  more  obnoxious than the original.  The
     worst  case  increase  is a few  immature  flames  posted to
     news.admin.net-abuse.email, or an obnoxiousness expansion of
     0.015%.  Note that the actual  amount of  spam  sent  almost
     never increases after Chontamenti compression.

OPTIONS
     -a --anal
          Anal cavity insertion: If spammer's head is not already
          inserted into colon, put it there.  Otherwise, compress
          the  spammer's  posterior  region  with the Size-18s to
          prevent any more s**t from escaping.

     -c --stdout --to-stdout
          Compress spammer to standard output  (by default,  this
          is a fourth-floor window).

     

     -f --force
          Force compression,  even if spammer's genitals are tiny
          already, head is already wedged in colon,  or stdout is
          closed (see -c option).
     
     -h --help
          Make spammer scream for help.
     
     -L --license
          Display the Erols AUP and the Abuse Minion  "License to
          Mallet"
     
     -q --quiet
          Sneak up behind spammer before performing  compression,
          for maximum panicked screaming.

     -v --violent
          Disregard  social  acceptability  of  actions performed
          while  compressing.  If  neighbours  complain about the
          screams, compress them too.
     
     -# --fast --pain
          Regulate the speed of compression using  the  specified
          digit  #,  where   -1  or  --fast indicates the fastest
          compression  method  (less compression,  most surprise)
          and  -9 or  --pain indicates the slowest,  most painful
          method.  The  default  level  is  -6 (that  is,  biased
          towards pain at the expense of speed).

SEE ALSO
     afterburner(8), mallet(1), tinlc(3)
 
BUGS
     The  present version  cannot  decompress spammers. We regard
     this as a feature.  However,  compression with the -a option
     can be reversed using bubba(1).